Separation of Teen from Parent

Teens are supposed to gain independence and autonomy from parents. They are hard wired to go over the proverbial ridge and experience the other village to share DNA, exchange cultural norms and knowledge. They seek some adventure and your job it to help them fill that need in a developmentally appropriate way that supports them and their future.

The pathway through teen years is often challenging to the family relationship as rudeness and boundary setting take hold. Actively approaching this through knowledge and understanding can help. So what can we do?

1. A teens basic needs are the same as yours: self worth, self esteem, autonomy, love etc.;

2. Provide opportunities for independence, intrinsic motivation and competence;

3. Validate feeling and offer emotional support but do not solve their problem. Be the lighthouse for them in the fog of teen years. This is the time to make sure they have the experiences to build wisdom and learn from "teen" appropriate mistakes;

4. Identify wants and needs and why one is a want and the other is a need;

5. Create areas (times, subjects and/or proximal areas ) for privacy and independence with a safety net and boundaries. Teens still crave and feel safe with developmentally appropriate boundaries;

6. If you want to talk about a topic plant the seed so they can process a little. Ask them if we can talk about X, mirror back what they say in response with so "I hear or I understand that you are saying... "

7. Let them ask for help. Do not push help on them! I'm here to support you if you'd like ideas for X.

8. Try a yes-and responses. Your child wants to go to a concert with their friends. Try yes, live music is great and I'll drive you. Or yes that will be fun, and bring your phone so we can be in touch. Your child want's to go on an expensive school trip? Yes, that sounds amazing, and I'll contribute X dollars and support you as you find ways to earn the rest.

Email UNJparent@gmail.com if you'd like to learn more.