Success

(Intention+Attention)xCapacity= likelihood for success

Intention is person driven. Children and parents often assume their intentions match. Have a conversation. Consider how much you have control over the internal intentions of another person, not much. Children have their own autonomy and independent thinking thus their intentions are their own. If your child’s intentions do not align with your expectations a conversation is necessary but not sufficient. Consider how your child sets their intention. What drives and draws them?

Attention is driven by the child and can be supported by the parent to create a collaborative relationship. The parent can work with the child to create an environment that does not distract or overstimulate. The parent can make a task fun/interesting. This is different from coercion. The parent can work with a medical provider regarding proper use of medication. Medication often creates the scaffolding or foundation for a child to resist impulses and utilize strategies learned elsewhere to maintain attention. Medication is a tool not cure for lack of attention to goal.

With a teen, if they can be introspective, have the teen contribute to what is needed to channel attention toward a goal. Let them know you are here to support them. Of course each child is unique in this learned skill of identifying what supports their attention. As a parent your role is to support and collaborate. Coercion and bribery can damage longterm relationships but if your child requests a short term reward of their choice (within bounds of safety, community and family norms) get curious about why and how this may help. 

Capacity is truly collaborative. Parents can recognize if the child has or does not have: skills, resources (tools, money, social capital, time etc), executive function, spoons, knowledge, intellect and more. Parents can ask themselves: if there are gaps can they be filled and how? 

As you can see if a person has “I” and “A” but lacks “C” the result will be zero likelihood of success and a very high likelihood of a child’s frustration, anger or other “behaviors”. Parents can get curious about what needs-gap are these behaviors communicating. 

Without “I” or “A” the parent is very likely to be frustrated, develop increased further-fears or may consider the child lazy. A parent could feel like their child has every ability and is choosing not to do what it takes. This could be totally true if “I” is not established. Without “A” both parents and child can become frustrated, distressed, disappointed or discouraged. 

In conclusion parents and children are encouraged to discuss intentions through neutral non-judgemental conversations and observations. Curiosity is critical. Parents can support sustained attention by collaborating with the child on environmental and internal chemistry. Capacity is unique to each individual. The child’s care team should collaborate to build capacity or recognize a limiting factor. 

So why was I an hour late for pick-up today?